Each week, The CSPH answers questions submitted on our site and through social media outlets like Twitter, Tumblr, and Facebook. This week’s question is:
How can I get comfortable being dominant for/with my gf?
If there’s one thing the 50 Shades of Grey craze has shown us, it’s that many people have fantasies about domination and submission (D/s). Of course, teasing out one’s fantasies from the realm of mental delights into physical carnality isn’t always second nature—and even when it is, it’s recommended that the newly-initiated take some measures to ensure their kinky bedroom jaunts are consensual and risk-aware.
Before we delve into the nuts and bolts of the matter, however, I’m curious as to what comes to mind when you think of the term “dominant.” What does this mean for your partner as well? While society seems to specifically focus on D/s games consisting of more intense play, such as whips and gags, being dominant does not require toys or pain. In fact, there are many dominant people who don’t incorporate either into their play; of course, there are many who do, and whether or not this is true for you is up to you to learn. Dominance is in many ways an attitude and mindset of self-confidence, which often denotes a degree of power, capability, strength, and even protectiveness. For many people, sexual dominance simply means “taking charge in the bedroom,” as opposed to kinky, tie-you-up-and-flog-you debauchery.
Now, I’m assuming that your partner has expressed an interest in you being dominant, hence your mention of wanting to be comfortable being dominant for your girlfriend. The fact that your partner has shared with you her desires is a great first step, and it leads to my next suggestion: before you delve into any play, you and your partner should communicate about what exactly you two are seeking. Does she want you to take charge and initiate sex more often, or is she asking you to bring out the paddle? Does your beau want you to kiss her passionately and toss her on the bed, or is she hoping that you’ll lead her around the house on a leash? Is her idea of “dominant” consist of a stern voice and mild orders, such as “take off your clothes,” or is she looking to be slapped and choked?
Discerning these particularities in your desires is key, not only for mental and physical safety of you and your partner, but also in potentially helping you become more comfortable. By having a better idea of what your partner specifically wants, and by communicating your own interests and doubts, you may find yourself feeling more at ease in the situation. After all, these discussions should prove to you that your partner is wholly interested in play and in your role as a dominant, which may help assuage any feelings of guilt or worry that you may be experiencing. Indeed, I’ll note that such emotions are quite common for people first navigating sexual dominance, not only due to potential shame over one’s desires and practices but also due to the greater societal understanding of what it means to love and respect a partner as an equal. On this front, communicating with your partner about your play allows you to show your love and respect.
Naturally, it may be difficult to talk about what you and your partner when you may not have the most comprehensive understanding of what types of dominance play are out there. For that, I recommend that you and your partner fill out a Yes/No/Maybe checklist. You can also check out online, couples-oriented questionnaires such as MojoUpgrade and Sexionnaire. While none of these activity lists are all-encompassing, they will encourage both you and your partner to take a moment to consider what exactly it is you want to explore, as well as serve as a jumping off point to discuss all your unique ideas for kinky fun.
Of course, not only is it important to discuss desires; it’s also supremely important to discuss boundaries. The questionnaires and checklist above do a great job at expressing such limits, but I nonetheless encourage you and your partner to think outside the box in accordance to your own histories and experiences. I’ll also note that all boundaries are legitimate and should be respected, regardless of whether they make sense to other individuals. Furthermore, there exist both “soft limits” and “hard limits,” in which the former consists of boundaries that may be pushed or teased either in specific, agreed-upon contexts or with specific individuals. The latter, hard limits, are boundaries that cannot and should not be broached. Understanding your own and your partner’s soft and hard limits is vital to safe D/s.
Another key component to navigating the waters of BDSM is the necessity and inclusion of safe words. Safe words are words that are specifically picked out to either pause, slow down, or completely stop play, and are not words that are usually said during sex. Common safe words include “red” for stop, and “yellow” for pause/slow down, but they can truly run the creative gamot. Furthermore, if your partner is not capable of talking, either due to being gagged or having speech impediment, you should negotiate a safe action, such as snapping one’s fingers or dropping a handkerchief, which will bring a stop to play. You should also ensure that any potential journeys into bondage also allow for either safe word or safe action, to ensure the full consent and safety of all parties.
In addition to communication and consent, another important aspect playing with dominance and submission is acquiring the relevant skills. I urge you to do your research before any type of play, not only out of concern of safety, but also because I think learning may help you feel more comfortable with your capabilities. For example, should you be interested in a good, old-fashioned belt beating, you may want to check out our Q&A: Impact Play, which will provide some guidance as to where and how to hit. Without such understanding, it’d be no wonder that you would feel uncomfortable and maybe even afraid to slap your partner across the face.
One particular place to pick up and hone your kinky skills is through KinkAcademy.com, a comprehensive collection of instruction and educational videos about kink. While Kink Academy requires payment to peruse, it’s a resource that we highly recommend to both newbies and veteran kinksters alike, as its breadth of material is unlike anything else online. Can’t quite cough up the funds, or are looking for more interaction with like-minded folk? You can also take a peek at Fetlife.com, a social networking website for kinksters and fetishists of various degrees of experience. Fetlife is a great place to find local events and classes, and it provides emerging kinksters the opportunity to find people who will mentor and train them.
At the end of the day, I encourage you and your partner to be as safe as possible and to have fun. Learning to be sexually dominant can take a try or two to get used to, but should the kinky shoe fit, you and your partner may very well have ahead of you a new, exciting sexual adventure. Should sexual dominance not be your cup of tea, that is also totally a-okay; people’s sexual desires run the gamut, and what’s most important is that all parties communicate and consent to play.
Finally, here are some additional resources that you may find helpful: